"Slim Down Dear, Things Will Change"

I will freely admit that I am not in the best shape, I'm about 20-30 pounds above my ideal weight zone, and have flirted for the past year with losing the weight and getting back in shape and of course failed to follow through past two weeks.  These are things I know about myself.  I have also been single for almost four years now, both self imposed and not finding someone... actually, it's mostly been self imposed.  I can't even lie to myself about that one.  And one of the big things keeping me off the market has been my weight.  For a while I wanted to get in shape to appear more appealing in the game of love, but over this past year as I've tried to commit to living a healthier life style and I've made a huge transition in how I think about myself and my body.  I still want to live a healthier life, but now I want to do it because I'm not as happy as I have been in the past and I know that being healthier will make me happier and help my career.  But there is still that little voice in the back of my head when I look at myself in the mirror, or when I see one of those crazy ripped college guys run past my apartment, that says, "Yo, chubster!  Yeah!  You!  Slim down and maybe you wouldn't be single!"

I hate that voice.  I hate it so much.  It degrades me and makes me feel like I can't be successful with my current body in most aspects of my life.  I can't get a man (Oh yeah!  I'm also a gay man...), I can't land the job or roles that I want, and I can't continually assert my over flowing masculinity in the realm of athletics... though I will out fish your ass any day and I can probably throw a frisbee better than you too.  As much as I know the smart way to think about it and the smart reasons to be healthier, there is that nagging voice that tells me I'll finally get a date.  Maybe that's true, but I like to think that if I turned myself into an Adonis (See image to the left for reference) I wouldn't waste me time with the assholes that turned me down in the past because I didn't have a six pack.

I know people preach about this all the time, but it's an issue that I've thought a lot about.  The gay community puts a lot of stress on body type.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tq1QgJOhFOI Adonis types, bears, all sorts of things, but what if you don't fit in that?  What if you're just an average American?  A little over weight, not huge but could stand to drop 20 pounds, and just looking to find a decent partner that finds them attractive.  That's me.  I just want to find someone who finds me attractive, and I'm sick of living in this college/20-something world where most people aren't really ready to settle down and want someone hot!  There's so many levels to me, to anyone really, beyond looks.  And granted, allow me some vanity please, I'm not that bad looking.  Even at 5'7" and 180lbs I'm still not a bad catch.  But why is that number after my height so important?  What about the things I'm interested in?  What about my strengths and weaknesses?  What about my beliefs?  What about my eyes, or my smile, or my awesome legs?  No?  I see you're only interested in my stomach and chest, and the prospect of finding out how big my penis is.  Well if that's the case, not only have you missed the chance to connect with a great guy, but you'll also never know what I'm packin'.  (It's huge by the way!  Sucks for you!)

But really, it annoys me that I'm twenty two and want to find a person that I can have a healthy, long-term relationship in a world where I am surrounded by other young men just coming out, or loving the freedom of college.  They don't have my mentality.  They think in one, two, or maybe three dimensions, and that's being generous.  I'm not asking for my soul-mate, though I'd love to come across that elusive son of a bitch, but I am asking for guys to give me an honest chance to make a real impression, or even a god damned first impression.  I've found that once I've gotten to know people and find the personality traits that I'm attracted to, both romantically and plotonically, they become infinitely more attractive.  I wish more people understood that at this age, because, while I'm not opposed to dating someone older than me, that mentality, at least in the gay community, comes with an age that involves 3 as the first digit and I'm not really comfortable with that personally.  (If you are, more power to you!)  I get sad that I don't get an honest shot at meeting a guy simply because I'm not buff or emacia... I mean thin.  I also get sad when I think about all the great guys I haven't gotten to meet because they brushed me off.  As much as this annoys me, I do also understand that everyone has standard and things they look for.  I certainly do.  My issue isn't with having standards, it's with the range of the scope.  And to all you people like that, just remember what happens when life goes on and you get married, settle or settle down, have kids, get a busy job... Most of you won't have "hot bods" forever, and a lot of you not for much longer.  So suck it.

I'm not an idiot.  I know that physical attraction is part of the game, I'm not immune to physical attraction at all.  But there's a level of shallowness, especially with my age group, that I have trouble coping with.  That level of shallowness that causes people to be written off, usually rudely, that causes people to feel that they're worth less than Mr. Sixpack and Miss Sizetwo.  That level of shallowness that leads to people ending up in shallow relationships with someone simply because they are both physically attractive.  It cheapens it for the rest of us, no matter what weight, that want a meaningful healthy relationship.

(To all the musical theatre nerds out there, have fun with title too)

My Thoughts Exactly

Namaste and Thank You

Today I helped a little old Indian woman pump her gas because she had never done it before. She watched the whole time and asked questions and made sure she knew how to do it for the next time. Afterwards she put her hands together and bowed and said, "This is how we say thank you in India. Namaste." Then got in her car and drove away. I was running errands and didn't have a ton of time. But I'm really proud of myself because even though I've been in a shitty mood all week, when she walked up to me and asked for my help, saying no didn't even cross my mind. Call it silly and selfish, but I felt amazing after I helped her. It took 5 minutes of my time and the smile on her face and how grateful she was really made me feel like the little things in this life are what count. Did it solve all my problems and get rid of all the tings running through my head? No. But did it make someone else's life a little easier? Yes. And that's really all that counts.  

We spend so much time these days thinking about what we need and being selfish.  I'm being a little preachy, but I'm guilty of it too.  I'll be the first person to tell you that being selfish is okay sometimes, because you have to make sure that you're needs are met before you can help others.  But we all get too caught up in it these days.  I certainly have.  I've been sitting on my ass all week feeling sorry for myself about things that happened years ago in my past that I can't change; that don't even really define my life or have any impact on my life anymore.  We get so caught up and self involved that we often don't even think about what our friends need from us.  I've been really guilty of that recently, and today was a slap in the face.  I helped someone I didn't even know, but I've been kind of a dick lately to a lot of my friends.  I've been on a kick lately, trying to make some changes about how I live and I think I'm going to add this one to the list.  Be nicer!  Take the time to take others feelings and needs into account, even if it does mean putting them before my own sometimes.  

And if you're reading this, I really encourage you to take a look at your own life and figure out if there's room to be a little more helpful, or maybe a little nicer, or maybe just being a little more patient or accommodating.  I bet there is.  No one is perfect and we're all guilty of it.  So really, do make the effort to be a little more human.  You'll probably feel better about life in general.

Thanks woman that I will never see again.  You brought me back down to earth.