Birds of Prey

Bambi + Penguin = Bambuin?

Newt Gingrich was recently bitten on the finger by a penguin while visiting the St. Louis Zoo.  To be specific it was a Magellanic penguin.  That little bugger on the right is the culprit.  Evidently there were two of them and one of them "nipped" him right on the finger.  In defence of the penguin, however, he decided to stay with his terminally ill life partner, or wife, or mate, or whatever it is that penguins have that gay people still can't have in this country.  Come to think of it, maybe his mother was killed by a hunter and the penguin was protesting the meeting of the NRA that Newt was speaking at in St. Louis...  You know what?  Fuck it!  Realistically this penguin was probably the Bambi of the penguin world with its heart blackened by the poison that is revenge.  (For clarification on that last bit check out this link: http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/revenge)  But I digress, whatever this noble creature's motivation, I applaud it for its bravery.  So here is your cue to drop out of the race, Newt!  You seemed to have tactlessly dodged every opportunity to gracefully bow out of the Republican Primary, while you have held on to the hope of beating a Mormon with a grip equal to that of a mental challenged person's hug.  Listen buddy; when it gets to the point when even the birds don't want you sitting egg shaped office, its time to call it quits.  I understand that it is way more fun to splash and struggle in a rip tide or to walk on the wrong side of the elevator (ask anyone that knows me), but its time to stop.  Besides, if there's anything that politics has taught me, its that personal beliefs are silly!  It's all about the party winning!  So really, you're just helping Obama stay in office... slim as your party's chances will already be once you're knocked out of the race.  Actually, never mind... stay in the race.  And Mr. Penguin thank you very kindly!  You are a noble majestic creature, but spread the word to your friends that we want to keep this idiot around as long as possible, because with out Santorum around to soak up some of the crazy Newt could deal some real damage now.

On an unrelated note to Newt, these birds seem to be gaining sentience if they know how to strike out against the Devil!  Only sentient creatures acknowledge evil.  As much as I love penguins, and believe me, I do, this worries me, as I have seen The Birds and I've seen Futurama, seaon 3, episode 5, with the penguin reserve on Pluto.  I've also watched every discovery channel special on what is predicted to happen to the planet after humans are gone.  Sidebar: When's the next rapture? I was left here in May and October!  So ultimately I see a very dark future ahead for humanity...

And thus a new two party system was born from the ashes of the ancients

Did Anyone Like Her?

Seriously though! Did anyone like this bitch?

A Eulogy to A Friend

Tonight my pet snail died...  Tis a sad night, as she helped keep my tank clean and was a source of great mediocrity amongst my other more colorful and exciting aquarium inhabitants.  May she go to the great algae covered rock in the sky and find all the debris she can eat!  Rest in Peace Mordane.  You will be missed.

Life Starts at The Birth of the Mother

I feel I'm writing about women a lot in this blog, but what can I say?  You ladies are lucky people!  You are fierce, independent creatures that dictate the kind of laws that can be passed.  And lucky for you all, here's another one that proves just how desperate the conservative movement is to make sure that people make the "right" choice in their lives!  Wait... what am I saying?  This one is bullshit too!

Arizona passed three laws that greatly benefit the pro-life movement, including one that changes the gestation period that is acceptable for an abortion from the standard 20 weeks to 18 weeks.  I'm pro-choice, that's right!  I said it!  But that doesn't seem too crazy for me.  They're preventing late term abortions and I don't have a problem with that.  So sure, this seems pretty reasonable, right?  WRONG!  This new law defines the gestation period as "calculated from the first day of the last menstrual period of the pregnant woman."  What?!  Well, my mind has been blown.  As a man who is mystified by the horror that is menstruation and seeks hiding places in the mountains once a month, I was unaware that life started that early.  Thanks Arizona for clearing that up for me!  That's right ladies!  You're pregnant before you're even pregnant.  I guess when you have your period you body is getting rid of the heathen, left winged homo that could potentially start growing in your belly so that a new pro-life, conservative tea-partier can have plenty of room to grow towards a bright future of destroying the world.  So I guess this isn't a pro-life bill, its a pro-choice bill cleverly designed to destroy the fabric of open-minded society.  So take care girls!  If this bill has taught me anything, its that your sterile life lived on the road between the kitchen and the bedroom isn't designed to tie you down and keep you from taking the power away from white, straight, christian, men folk; its to protect your bodies from the harsh world that is Arizona (and if God is good, soon all of America) so that you can have a safe environment to carefully prepare for and grow the next Rick Santorum or Newt Gingrich. 


So what have I learned today?
1: Life is not about sperm meeting egg, and unlike previously thought, consciousness doesn't start at the moment of conception.  It starts much sooner than that, as long as the potential child in question will grow up to be continue the legacy of hatred and close-minded nonsense.
2: The laws of a woman's body are not subjective in any way!  They must be carefully learned through the teachings of misinterpreted bible verse and dictated to women by men via the law because women are too stupid to know any better.
3: There is something terribly wrong with this country if we, women and men united, who are pro-choice are continually ignored by politicians who have never had to do anything more for an unwanted child than send a check once a month to the woman they cheated on their wives with.

So bravo Arizona!  Get ready for a whole lot of opposition coming at you from a never ending supply of better educated.

Hilary Clinton is AWESOME!

It was just announced that Hillary Clinton took some time out of her busy schedule as Sec. of State to meet with the guy who started the "Texts From Hillary" site.  http://textsfromhillaryclinton.tumblr.com/

I will admit that I was a huge Hillary fan during the last election and was disappointed when she pulled out of the race.  I have always felt that she was misrepresented and unfairly treated by the media during her campaign.  It's nice to see that now she's on the other end of the media spectrum, being portrayed in a much happier comic light.  And to make it even better, she clearly has a sense of humor about it and likes the website!  This is why she rocks!
But seriously, this is a great way to show how much the way we see the world has changed, thanks to the internet.  We have youtube and tumblr and a lot of other sites where successes and blunders of public figures are torn apart non-stop.  I love to see when politicians take time to acknowledge the things that are going viral out there, especially when they are fun and relevant.  To be successful now, you have to acknowledge this about our society.  Ms. Clinton has shown that she has the balls and the brains to be a successful leader in this world no matter what side of the spectrum you're on.  And she has proven that she acknowledges how the rest of us function in this world.  Regardless of what youre political beliefs are, I think it's important to show at least a little bit of respect to her for remaining relevant and competent.  More politicians need to show that their in touch with the rest of us.  Because hasn't that been one of the biggest issues with the current Republican Presidential Candidates?

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter everyone!  No matter what you believe in, remember; when that zombie apocalypse finally happens, you're gonna want Jesus on your side!  Whether you think of the resurrection as the truth or a fun story, Jesus beat death!  So who better than to beat the undead! 

*this does not reflect my actual beliefs.  I prefer to remain spiritually anonymous. 


** Also... Ain't this picture the cutest?

Thank God!

The Republicans are struggling to admit that all their candidates suck, North Korea still seems to be a ticking bomb, and the economy still sucks.  Yet amidst all this turmoil in the world, there is a beckon of hope for all of us!  Kanye West has publicly declared his love for Kim Kardashian, in what I can only assume to be a failed attempt to get more attention than he did with that Taylor Swift bullshit he pulled.  But honestly, I'm happy for Kim!  Even though her 18 month marriage was a sham, yet still holds merit over monogamous LGBT couples, she deserves to be happy again, even if the gays can't be!  I say let them be!  The air is thick with love and a whale sized sense of self-improtance!  All the best to you two!  Have fun fighting for the public's attention! http://music.yahoo.com/blogs/hip-hop-media-training/kanye-west-admits-falling-love-kim-kardashian-slams-162341069.html

What I Know About Women

Women are, well, complicated.  And let's be honest here, how many guys out there understand how they work?  I sure as hell don't! But luckily there's a lot of stuff out there to help us understand them.  Based on what the media teaches me, here's a list of what I understand about women.


3)  Women are clueless and need A LOT of guidance to understand men.

There are a lot of magazines out there that help women to understand men.  These magazines of course are written by the women who seem to know exactly how to treat, train, and manipulate a guy into doing what they want.  Look at Cosmopolitan Magazine!  Magazines such as this exist to help women demystify all the deep dark secrets about us men folk.  (Here's a pointer girls; sex, food, sleep, video games.  We are a simple and plain people.)  But honestly, thank god for those magazines!  With great sex pointers like A New Benefit to Casual Sex and The 10 Hottest Texts to Send A Guy, these magazines are helping girls everywhere crack the code of the male orgasm!  Thanks Cosmo!  They also provide great tips for getting a guy and keeping him... on lock down in a cage made of threats.  Spot a D-Bag in 10 Seconds or Less will help ladies to make sure they're picking the right guy, while great relationship advise will help the ladies make sure he's not cheating, lying, thinking on his own, or exerting free will, and if he is they'll get great tips on how to deal with it in constructive and psychotic ways.  In all honesty, I don't know how heterosexual relationships function without the help of these magazines.  So to all the writers and editors at these magazines, I say, "Thank You!"  You're helping to make women everywhere smarter, stronger, and one step closer to voting.


2) All women want to be objectified sexually.

Talk to any feminist and they will tell you that women everywhere are just begging to seen as a piece of meat.  And guess what?  They're right!  But women are also masters of hiding their true feelings.  Ever heard of subtext?  That's right women have mastered it... thanks to Cosmo.  So even when they tell you to stop staring at them, in their tight t-shirt and three sizes too small leggings, all you have to do is look at what they're wearing to know that the subtext is really, "Yes, please, stare at my body!  Look at my blue lacy thong!  Or better yet, look at my butt crack.  Don't you want to put your penis in my butt crack?"  But honestly, I truly believe in a woman's right to be powerful and own her body!  Though please for the love of God, use some discretion ladies!  You're sending ridiculous messages to guys everywhere when you don't know how to dress for your body type, or for you "super hot" girls, what I like to call, undressing for your body type.  You want to get noticed, fine!  Great!  I do too when I hit up the gay bars!  You want men to be attracted to you!  Awesome!  You want men to know that you're strong, independent, and love your body!  Sweet!  Men are going to dig that, they really are... if you do it the right way.  The only message that you're sending when you flash a whale tail, show your bra, wear clothes that don't fit your body cuz you are (in whiny sorority girl voice), "Hot Shit," is that they can treat you like meat.  A lot people in this world are looking for something real and when you just dress to flatter your body and have confidence in who you are, guys will notice.  It might not be as easy finding the nearest frat house and letting guys do body shots off you, but I bet you'll be happier with the results, even though it may take a bit longer.  And for you girls out there that aren't looking for something serious; good for you too!  But please dress for the weather, stop whining when you don't and know that I will be laughing at and judging you when I walk by you on my way to the bars. 


And of course!

1)  Menstruation is really fucking scary and designed by God to make men feel left out. 

Anyone remember that tampon commercial from 2003 where the girl is passing a tampon to her friend in class and gets caught?  If not, here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUoXGr26_Rs.  I think this really exemplifies what Aunt Flo means to guys.  We don't get it!  I mean, honestly, the female reproductive tract is the most complicated thing in the world in my mind, followed very closely, of course, by the Rubix Cube and understanding how the Kardashians became famous.  But, yes, your downtown shopping center, as I've heard it called in a dirty frat house once, is ridiculous and specifically designed to cause everyone near it hell.  Here's what I know: Once a month, a woman will leak a strange blue liquid from her vajayjay that can be absorbed in various ways by products that resemble a dildo or flat white-water raft.  During this time, women are prone to cry, eat chocolate, scream at their significant others, and make sacrificial offerings to the gods of old
with a lamb or calf.  Scary enough as it is.  Men don't get it and we never will.  But here's the kicker.  Women's bodies are somehow programed to sync up, so that this lovely miracle of nature can become more intense for the men around them.  So to the men out there reading this take caution.  Rooming with more than one of these she devils will make that special time of the month worse than any hell you could possibly imagine.  So yes, back to the beginning of this, it's real.  Women can talk about it, they understand it and commiserate over it, and men are left out of the know how.  And just to prove that whatever cruel God is up there has a sick sense of humor, men will sync up to the women they're with and suffer from lowered testosterone when his lady friend is is leaking her mysterious blue liquid, and most men don't even know it.  To sum this up; menstruation is the worst.  Men don't get it, women click over it, and once a month it controls EVERYONE!

So to the ladies out there.  Remember.  You have power!  So stop reading these stupid magazines, wear REAL pants, and please try to make your time of the month a little more bearable for the men in your lives.

Fridge Goblins

Watch out for these bitches.  They'll get ya!

Well, This Is Normal...

Has anyone watched the Venus Angelic videos on youtube?  It's really fucking scary!  I'm sure everyone out there can admit to having some sort of an obsession.  I'm guilty of knowing more about Transformers than you and possess a deep seated love for A Song Of Ice and Fire.  If you don't admit to anything, stop reading this and go looking the fucking mirror, and reevaluate your life!  But honestly... this girl is 15 years old and is obsessed (well obsessed isn't a strong enough word, but I'll use it) with Japanese culture.  She's from the U.K. and is a skinny blonde chick, but she's basically turned herself in a caricature of Japanese culture to the point that she even created this bullshit "accent."  Seriously check out her youtube videos.  What scares me though is that it's clearly not a healthy lifestyle and she's getting no help.  I'm not a doctor, but even I can step back and say, "WHOA!"  Her mother is okay with it and even encourages it and lets these creepy men online skype with her and leave creepy comments on her videos.  Now I try to be an open minded person and I should be the last person to tell someone that they can't live their life in whatever way pleases them,  but something about this girl screams unhealthy and really hits on so many things that are wrong with this world.  She's not accepting herself, she's created a "persona," shall we say, that doesn't accept reality, and she's obsessed with a part of Japanese culture that really only represents a very small portion of the population.  It's okay to be deeply interested in something; we all are, but to create a life for yourself where reality is now the second option scares me.  Make your videos, little scary not Japanese girl, that might actually be from Venus, teach me how to make sprinkle lips and Sailor Moon hair, but please stop talking in this ridiculous voice and molding yourself after something that is based more in cartoons than real life.  You are free to live your life, but make sure its your life.  Balance yourself with your interests.  And for my own personal sanity, please stop squinting and making peace signs at the camera.

TIghty Webbies

Andrew Garfield revealed that he was going naked under the Spiderman costume... I feel like a lot of people could assume that based on how tight it is on his body, but I can't help but feel like this inviting Paul Reubens levels of movie theatre nonsense.  I will freely admit that the man is gorgeous, but when I think about the sheer number of perverts, fan girls, fan boys, and gay men out there that are already in love with him, I think that ushers are going to be dealing with theatres that are left stickier than a spider web.

http://movies.yahoo.com/news/andrew-garfield-reveals-hes-naked-under-spider-man-195146203.html

(Also, has anyone ever noticed how obsessed with underwear Ellen is?)

So I finally decided to start a blog.  It's going to mainly be a place for me to put my weird thoughts out there for people to read.  As it goes on maybe I'll find a better focus for it.