3) Women are clueless and need A LOT of guidance to understand men.
There are a lot of magazines out there that help women to understand men. These magazines of course are written by the women who seem to know exactly how to treat, train, and manipulate a guy into doing what they want. Look at Cosmopolitan Magazine! Magazines such as this exist to help women demystify all the deep dark secrets about us men folk. (Here's a pointer girls; sex, food, sleep, video games. We are a simple and plain people.) But honestly, thank god for those magazines! With great sex pointers like A New Benefit to Casual Sex and The 10 Hottest Texts to Send A Guy, these magazines are helping girls everywhere crack the code of the male orgasm! Thanks Cosmo! They also provide great tips for getting a guy and keeping him... on lock down in a cage made of threats. Spot a D-Bag in 10 Seconds or Less will help ladies to make sure they're picking the right guy, while great relationship advise will help the ladies make sure he's not cheating, lying, thinking on his own, or exerting free will, and if he is they'll get great tips on how to deal with it in constructive and psychotic ways. In all honesty, I don't know how heterosexual relationships function without the help of these magazines. So to all the writers and editors at these magazines, I say, "Thank You!" You're helping to make women everywhere smarter, stronger, and one step closer to voting.
2) All women want to be objectified sexually.
Talk to any feminist and they will tell you that women everywhere are just begging to seen as a piece of meat. And guess what? They're right! But women are also masters of hiding their true feelings. Ever heard of subtext? That's right women have mastered it... thanks to Cosmo. So even when they tell you to stop staring at them, in their tight t-shirt and three sizes too small leggings, all you have to do is look at what they're wearing to know that the subtext is really, "Yes, please, stare at my body! Look at my blue lacy thong! Or better yet, look at my butt crack. Don't you want to put your penis in my butt crack?" But honestly, I truly believe in a woman's right to be powerful and own her body! Though please for the love of God, use some discretion ladies! You're sending ridiculous messages to guys everywhere when you don't know how to dress for your body type, or for you "super hot" girls, what I like to call, undressing for your body type. You want to get noticed, fine! Great! I do too when I hit up the gay bars! You want men to be attracted to you! Awesome! You want men to know that you're strong, independent, and love your body! Sweet! Men are going to dig that, they really are... if you do it the right way. The only message that you're sending when you flash a whale tail, show your bra, wear clothes that don't fit your body cuz you are (in whiny sorority girl voice), "Hot Shit," is that they can treat you like meat. A lot people in this world are looking for something real and when you just dress to flatter your body and have confidence in who you are, guys will notice. It might not be as easy finding the nearest frat house and letting guys do body shots off you, but I bet you'll be happier with the results, even though it may take a bit longer. And for you girls out there that aren't looking for something serious; good for you too! But please dress for the weather, stop whining when you don't and know that I will be laughing at and judging you when I walk by you on my way to the bars.
And of course!
1) Menstruation is really fucking scary and designed by God to make men feel left out.
Anyone remember that tampon commercial from 2003 where the girl is passing a tampon to her friend in class and gets caught? If not, here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUoXGr26_Rs. I think this really exemplifies what Aunt Flo means to guys. We don't get it! I mean, honestly, the female reproductive tract is the most complicated thing in the world in my mind, followed very closely, of course, by the Rubix Cube and understanding how the Kardashians became famous. But, yes, your downtown shopping center, as I've heard it called in a dirty frat house once, is ridiculous and specifically designed to cause everyone near it hell. Here's what I know: Once a month, a woman will leak a strange blue liquid from her vajayjay that can be absorbed in various ways by products that resemble a dildo or flat white-water raft. During this time, women are prone to cry, eat chocolate, scream at their significant others, and make sacrificial offerings to the gods of old
with a lamb or calf. Scary enough as it is. Men don't get it and we never will. But here's the kicker. Women's bodies are somehow programed to sync up, so that this lovely miracle of nature can become more intense for the men around them. So to the men out there reading this take caution. Rooming with more than one of these she devils will make that special time of the month worse than any hell you could possibly imagine. So yes, back to the beginning of this, it's real. Women can talk about it, they understand it and commiserate over it, and men are left out of the know how. And just to prove that whatever cruel God is up there has a sick sense of humor, men will sync up to the women they're with and suffer from lowered testosterone when his lady friend is is leaking her mysterious blue liquid, and most men don't even know it. To sum this up; menstruation is the worst. Men don't get it, women click over it, and once a month it controls EVERYONE!So to the ladies out there. Remember. You have power! So stop reading these stupid magazines, wear REAL pants, and please try to make your time of the month a little more bearable for the men in your lives.
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