Birds of Prey

Bambi + Penguin = Bambuin?

Newt Gingrich was recently bitten on the finger by a penguin while visiting the St. Louis Zoo.  To be specific it was a Magellanic penguin.  That little bugger on the right is the culprit.  Evidently there were two of them and one of them "nipped" him right on the finger.  In defence of the penguin, however, he decided to stay with his terminally ill life partner, or wife, or mate, or whatever it is that penguins have that gay people still can't have in this country.  Come to think of it, maybe his mother was killed by a hunter and the penguin was protesting the meeting of the NRA that Newt was speaking at in St. Louis...  You know what?  Fuck it!  Realistically this penguin was probably the Bambi of the penguin world with its heart blackened by the poison that is revenge.  (For clarification on that last bit check out this link: http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/revenge)  But I digress, whatever this noble creature's motivation, I applaud it for its bravery.  So here is your cue to drop out of the race, Newt!  You seemed to have tactlessly dodged every opportunity to gracefully bow out of the Republican Primary, while you have held on to the hope of beating a Mormon with a grip equal to that of a mental challenged person's hug.  Listen buddy; when it gets to the point when even the birds don't want you sitting egg shaped office, its time to call it quits.  I understand that it is way more fun to splash and struggle in a rip tide or to walk on the wrong side of the elevator (ask anyone that knows me), but its time to stop.  Besides, if there's anything that politics has taught me, its that personal beliefs are silly!  It's all about the party winning!  So really, you're just helping Obama stay in office... slim as your party's chances will already be once you're knocked out of the race.  Actually, never mind... stay in the race.  And Mr. Penguin thank you very kindly!  You are a noble majestic creature, but spread the word to your friends that we want to keep this idiot around as long as possible, because with out Santorum around to soak up some of the crazy Newt could deal some real damage now.

On an unrelated note to Newt, these birds seem to be gaining sentience if they know how to strike out against the Devil!  Only sentient creatures acknowledge evil.  As much as I love penguins, and believe me, I do, this worries me, as I have seen The Birds and I've seen Futurama, seaon 3, episode 5, with the penguin reserve on Pluto.  I've also watched every discovery channel special on what is predicted to happen to the planet after humans are gone.  Sidebar: When's the next rapture? I was left here in May and October!  So ultimately I see a very dark future ahead for humanity...

And thus a new two party system was born from the ashes of the ancients